dont say sorry

celebrating the past two days have been diffficult for me. i cant help but wonder what did he do? is he having fun with friends? how was his holiday going?

but it was just me missing him. i kept seeing how so many people could be so happy with their loved ones. why couldnt i have that too? we had this whole plan of what to do this whole cny week. now the plans are me doing nothing.

i texted him, telling him that i missed him, hoping he felt the same. in my heart, i really hoped he was feeling the same way i did. and not just completely forgot about me, as if i wasnt part of his life.

but instead, he replied "dont miss me anymore, we have no future. its time to face reality. and reality is forever cruel to you."

after i read that, it was like a cold sharp blade went through my heart. it was something i expect my friends to say, but not from him.

i thought i was ok. but maybe i am just lying to myself. and that version seemed more comforting and nicer. thinking that we might still have a chance. hoping he will change his mind and fight for me.

i told him sorry, that i dont think i would be strong enough to accept reality.

he replied "dont say sorry to me anymore." like i wont hurt him. like i dont have that closeness to him that i didnt need to apologise anymore. because no matter what i did, it didnt matter to him.

its like he shut all the doors. and there isnt a tiny bit chance for us anumore

i ended by telling him "its very sad the way things ended."

it wasnt because we lost feelings for esch other. it wasnt because we cheated. it wasnt because of a huge fight. it wasnt because of something we did that the other couldnt accept.

it was because he chose his parents over me. not sayjng that i hate his parents. or that i hate traditions and religion. i just hate the fact that that was the only solution he could find. and that he didnt fight for me. and how easy it was to give up and let me go. and how easy it is for him now.